Posts tagged I read terrible things
Posts tagged I read terrible things
I read Taken by the T-Rex.
Video coming soon.
You know what, screw The Mask of Troy and screw Fifty Shades Darker. Right now, I want to read this awful-looking book I picked up in Newfoundland.
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER! Apparently featuring an Egyptian dude deciding to forget his sword and just shove his ankh-wielding enemy in the chest!
Oh god, it’s time. I’ve put it off long enough. But I need to do this.
It’s time to start ‘Fifty Shades Darker’.
I am not happy about this.
So, um, I haven’t updated Through the Cradle of Fear since December. (Oops.) I… don’t exactly remember all that happened? And I’m not quite sure that it’s even important to the narrative? BUT, for the benefit of you readers, I shall copy/paste a summation from a previous post that I feel covers the basics, plus a few lines covering what I gleaned from re-reading the review Katie did.
Yes, I’m lazy. I own this.
So, let’s get on with this and try to do it quick-like!
“Sheba got kidnapped! Hunt rescued her, briefly! Sheba got kidnapped, again, by the same people! [note: mostly dark skinned people, and HUNGARIAN.] EGYPT. Hunt disguised himself as a Hungarian and infiltrates DeGroet (bad guy extraordinaire)’s core group and NO ONE NOTICES! There’s an INCREDIBLY secret passage beneath the Sphinx! And a SUPER BOOBY-TRAPPED DOOR! DeGroet sends a 12 year old to his death, Hunt evades death (AGAIN), he and Sheba escape via super unlikely helicopter.”
And most recently:
Then, to Greece, where enters Sexy Son of a Barman Christos, who gallantly sweeps our hero off his feet on his apparently bulletproof moped of destiny to the den of the Tigranes, a dude who just WON’T LET THE FADS OF ANCIENT GREECE GO but knows a shit ton about sphinxes. A thrilling chase and gunfight against the MOST INEPT MINIONS EVER, and Hunt, Sexy Christos, and Tigranes escape over a cliff and into a HIDDEN CAVE.
Where’s Sheba? Presumably still at the hotel, but I’m betting she’s been kidnapped again by now.
ANYWAY. After much delay, ON WITH THE BOOK.
I found something to haunt your dreams and fuel your nightmares: DINOSAUR EROTICA.
I… I may have come into possession of Taken by the T-Rex.
Completely by accident, honest to God, due to a fatal combination of a link from a friend, terrible 4G reception, a frozen screen, and 1 Click shopping by Amazon.com.
I ONLY WANTED THE SYNOPSIS.
NOW I HAVE SO MUCH MORE.
So, um, Dinosaur Erotica. Coming Soon to a Blog Near You.
I. I thought this book was adventure archaeology. I thought it’d be action and gunfights and derring-do and giant rolling boulders. But no. No. There are no boulders. There are no gunfights. There is no do, derring or otherwise. The Nazis are curators. The ‘archaeology’ is ‘our team poke around in dirt a bit and immediately uncover untold riches’, and the ‘adventure’ is… non-existent.
So what genre is it? This is the question I struggled with over the last few chapters. And I have finally reached a conclusion.
You know what Twilight was for Stephenie Meyer, and Fifty Shades was for EL James? That’s what The Mask of Troy is for David Gibbins. A shameless self-wanking fantasy.
I am sorry this is not a Fifty Shades Darker post. Fifty Shades Darker is coming, I swear - I will buckle down to it in October, when I am firmly ensconced in Newcastle, and will be attempting (gasp) an UPDATE SCHEDULE. But for now, I am currently on holiday, and reading an awful book I wish to complain about.
David Gibbens’s THE MASK OF TROY.
First off, check out that cover! It’s got a scuba-diver swimming in front of SWASTIKAS! Watch out, diver dude, these are Nazi-infested waters! Also, it has ‘A NOVEL’ in the middle of the O, always a promising sign.
Let’s look at the blurb, shall we?
Hello, most glorious of bloggers! I’m sorry that I just dropped off Cradle of Fear and never came back to it, but, short version: my life just got REALLY SHITTY and NEVER GOT BETTER. So. This kind of fell to the bottom of my list of priorities.
To make it up to you, I bring you an interlude: a review of the romantic short story PHANTOM LOVERS.
It’s about gay ghosts. And Lynsay, who has a STUPID NAME.
The awful, poorly-resolved, rape-tastic ending of Slenderbone is here at last for you view.
May God have mercy on us all.
HERE IT IS
PART 5 OF SLENDERBONE
THE SLENDERBONING COMMENCES
AND IT IS AWFUL.
We don’t say as much in the video, but I am suuuuper not okay with the fact that this author enforces the idea that 1) lesbian sex isn’t REAL sex, and 2) Lesbians just need a good dicking
which is just ugh ugh ugh ugh wrong wrong wrong UGH