Posts tagged I read terrible things
Posts tagged I read terrible things
For the record, tonight I shall be drinking the uber “classy” ‘PEACH AMORE’, aka the only kind of peach schnapps stocked in Newcastle Tescos. And because I am as classy as Peach Amore, I will be drinking it neat. Possibly from the bottle. Because tonight I must face up to the fact that…
THE STORY SO FAR!: Christian and Ana are back together. They weren’t even apart for two fucking chapters. And they’re having such vanilla sex they even remember to put the chicken back in the fridge with a plate on top whilst they do it.
Life is pain.
The day has come where I must acknowledge, I possibly have an addiction to awful adventure archaeology.
This is the complete opposite of a problem, but a logistical issue presents itself. How do I best tackle this giant pile of books? I’vealready made a start on both ‘The Mask of Troy’ (BOOOOOOOO) and ‘The Book of the Dead’ (YEEEEAAAAHHHH), but there are so many other promising titles here. ‘The Black Sun’ has Nazis! ‘The Malice Box’ has - well - A MALICE BOX!
Blogging through these at my normal pace is, well, slow. Quality gifs are hard to find, y’know (I refuse to let myself just go on Buzzfeed and steal all theirs because, well, I have principles. I steal mine from TUMBLR.) But I DO actually need to read all these in the near future (for, ahem, reasons), so how to approach it?
So, I’d like to hear from you, the people who actually READ this stuff. Would you like continuation of the usual blogging, even though I may leap from book to book as they take my fancy and attract my attention with their awfulness? Would a summary post at the end of each suffice, or just very brief posts about a particular bit that has caught my attention? OR, do you not give a crap and are only on here for ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’?
LET ME KNOW!
HEY THERE SPORTS FANS. Here we are, another IRTT Valentine’s Day, and once again, I am spending my evening becoming acquainted with the cheapest bottle of wine currently on offer at my local Sainsburys. Has everyone had a good year? No? Well, have you at least had a year where you DIDN’T end up with a guy like Christian Grey? Then count your blessings. (On that note, though, if you did, we are here for support.)
THE STORY SO FAR!: We made it all of one, ONE chapter into Fifty Shades Darker before Christian reasserted himself into Ana’s life, accused her of not eating, was creepy and possessive and then dragged her into an alley to make out with her. ONE FUCKING CHAPTER. And Kate Kavanagh is in Barbados. UGHH.
Big confession time: I adore Matthew Reilly’s stuff. For someone eternally decrying cliches and awful writing, I cannot get enough. I got hooked with the Jack West Jr series, my love of the Shane “Scarecrow” Schofield series made me painfully aware that I could no longer pass it off as part of my adoration of the bonkers adventure archaeology genre in general - though the Temple book still sucks ass.
And now there is this new book - The Tournament.
And I am super excited, and need to get back into the swing of doing this blog, so - here goes! WILL IT BE AWFUL? WILL IT BE WONDERFUL? I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.
I read Taken by the T-Rex.
Video coming soon.
You know what, screw The Mask of Troy and screw Fifty Shades Darker. Right now, I want to read this awful-looking book I picked up in Newfoundland.
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER! Apparently featuring an Egyptian dude deciding to forget his sword and just shove his ankh-wielding enemy in the chest!
Oh god, it’s time. I’ve put it off long enough. But I need to do this.
It’s time to start ‘Fifty Shades Darker’.
I am not happy about this.
So, um, I haven’t updated Through the Cradle of Fear since December. (Oops.) I… don’t exactly remember all that happened? And I’m not quite sure that it’s even important to the narrative? BUT, for the benefit of you readers, I shall copy/paste a summation from a previous post that I feel covers the basics, plus a few lines covering what I gleaned from re-reading the review Katie did.
Yes, I’m lazy. I own this.
So, let’s get on with this and try to do it quick-like!
“Sheba got kidnapped! Hunt rescued her, briefly! Sheba got kidnapped, again, by the same people! [note: mostly dark skinned people, and HUNGARIAN.] EGYPT. Hunt disguised himself as a Hungarian and infiltrates DeGroet (bad guy extraordinaire)’s core group and NO ONE NOTICES! There’s an INCREDIBLY secret passage beneath the Sphinx! And a SUPER BOOBY-TRAPPED DOOR! DeGroet sends a 12 year old to his death, Hunt evades death (AGAIN), he and Sheba escape via super unlikely helicopter.”
And most recently:
Then, to Greece, where enters Sexy Son of a Barman Christos, who gallantly sweeps our hero off his feet on his apparently bulletproof moped of destiny to the den of the Tigranes, a dude who just WON’T LET THE FADS OF ANCIENT GREECE GO but knows a shit ton about sphinxes. A thrilling chase and gunfight against the MOST INEPT MINIONS EVER, and Hunt, Sexy Christos, and Tigranes escape over a cliff and into a HIDDEN CAVE.
Where’s Sheba? Presumably still at the hotel, but I’m betting she’s been kidnapped again by now.
ANYWAY. After much delay, ON WITH THE BOOK.
I found something to haunt your dreams and fuel your nightmares: DINOSAUR EROTICA.
I… I may have come into possession of Taken by the T-Rex.
Completely by accident, honest to God, due to a fatal combination of a link from a friend, terrible 4G reception, a frozen screen, and 1 Click shopping by Amazon.com.
I ONLY WANTED THE SYNOPSIS.
NOW I HAVE SO MUCH MORE.
So, um, Dinosaur Erotica. Coming Soon to a Blog Near You.
I. I thought this book was adventure archaeology. I thought it’d be action and gunfights and derring-do and giant rolling boulders. But no. No. There are no boulders. There are no gunfights. There is no do, derring or otherwise. The Nazis are curators. The ‘archaeology’ is ‘our team poke around in dirt a bit and immediately uncover untold riches’, and the ‘adventure’ is… non-existent.
So what genre is it? This is the question I struggled with over the last few chapters. And I have finally reached a conclusion.
You know what Twilight was for Stephenie Meyer, and Fifty Shades was for EL James? That’s what The Mask of Troy is for David Gibbins. A shameless self-wanking fantasy.